the reason




found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is..you

it's easier to make things work,if you want to..but nearly impossible to make them happen,the way you want to.sometimes when things do happen the way you would want,you might not realize itz significance initially.it could take time to realize that you really needed it to happen.we are so pre occupied in our lives that we often forget to notice little things someone would have done for your smile..a small gesture which might have made your day..a few words which would have made you feel better..a concern which might have shown how special you are to them.it's very easy to find faults with everything that happens.but we can atleast try to believe that whatever happens..would be for good.the reason..maybe you are not sure of..

but i found a reason..
a reason to look back and appreciate what happened
a reason to smile
a reason to understand beyond what eyes can see
a reason to go on
a reason to believe in myself
a reason to trust
a reason to fly without wings
a reason to live

and the reason is you...

Practice School at Goa


our institute has this "brilliant" practice of industrial training.and when most of the other students get one training period in their course of graduation,we get two!!the first one comes at the end of second year..during summer vacation.SUMMER VACATION!!oh god!i thought.there could not have been a worse way to spend two months of holidays.but sadly..you can't help it.so,there i was,filling up preferences for the stations that were available for Practice School 1(PS 1 in short).phew,that was a back breaking work.we had to number some 200 odd options!!i almost forgot my maths trying to number and re-number the various options.then..finally i and a few wingies of mine settled on goa as our option.we would have been provided with accomodation and other miscellaneous "comforts" because we were to stay in BITS,goa campus.so..bingo!!the maths worked and i was alotted a bio medical station in goa.so things got finalised..and i just could'nt wait to get to goa and see all those beautiful beaches,churches..

i reached goa with three other girls..and as would have in store for us..the coolie at the railway station who carried our bags..just vanished!!me and the other girl were a nervous wreck!we dint know what to do..we checked from one corner to the other in search of him..with our bags..and guess what happens??!he was standing right outside the main entrance waiting for us!we had nearly called a cop by then..he lost us in the crowd and was waitin for us!both of us heaved a sigh of relief!definitely not a good start..i thought.anyways,i was thankful that everything was fine!and we reached the BITS,Pilani Goa campus in a taxi with a driver who was talking at a rate faster than the speed of the taxi itself!!

and there was the campus..well,initially i thought it was some five star resort..the four of us were totally awestruck!and we nearly fainted when we saw the hostels!my room at home is not as beautiful as was the room here..am serious!!and the best of all..there was connectivity..high speed broadband in all the rooms..i was on cloud nine!!there could'nt have been a better place to be!!ya..not to forget the lovely weather!!so after unpacking and resting,the four of us set for a campus tour.i met some other friends doing the same..and then we discovered..'mongini's..that's a yum..i mean yummm bakery right inside the campus!!and the donuts there..ahh...heaven!!we had dinner at the mess and it was far better than what we get back on campus!anyways,it was time to get back because the real purpose of being in goa..remember PS..!!was to start the next day..!

so,there came the first day,with lots of anticipating and lost faces,trying to find what everyone else was doing.the institute had arranged a bus to take us to our respective places.nearly all the stations were in the same industrial area called 'verna' which was a good seven kilometers from the campus.ok!iam not going to give a day by day description of all the days(though all we did was..talk..talk and talk more!!).there were 10 of us in our station..mostly never before seen faces!but by the end of training,i knew i had made friends for life.well,all together it was brilliant fun!hmm,i was telling about goa..PS stories would need an entire web page!!

ok..since most of us had working saturdays,all we got for ourselves was a lone sunday!and we had these cars available for rent who would take us to all the places 'one has to see'!we would be a group of 7-8 girls..absorbing every inch of what we saw and having the best time of our lives.beaches..my personal favourites are palolim and sinquerim(well,there are nearly 25 beaches in goa).the white foaming waters,ancient remains of forts on the shore,palm trees adoring the beaches,lots of colorful things being sold by hawkers..well..one has to be there!the churches..built well before in time..stood proud with their breath taking architecture.nearly every church had an interesting history.then there are some shopping places..bright and full of life..the real goa city looks like some picture postcard!the streets,the houses all are designed in a beautiful english architectural style.and pizza hut,as usual was good as ever(my tummy grumbles even if i just mention pizza!!).

another good part of the campus was the library!!there were days when i literally finished two novels a day..one can't find a better way to spend the days at the station..right??!and not to forget WI-FI on campus!it's practically impossible for me to write about evrything.now looking back,all i can say is PS 1 at goa was probably one of the best ever times spent.if it had'nt been for PS...

i am not able to complete the sentence because i can't imagine what all i would have missed!!

somewhere i belong...


i wanna run away..than to say goodbye
i wanna know the truth..instead of wondering why
i wanna know the answers..no more lies
i wanna shut the door..open up my mind


iam a die hard linkin park fan..and you might come across a number of lines from various song..here...
Somewhere I Belong..
where?to know that i belong somewhere would probably lessen this vaguely nomadic feeling bubbling in my head.a swarm of faces all around me but hardly even one whose mere sight would get that instant feeling of belonging!we come across so many individuals(a few who don't appreciate there own individuality..exist too...) in this life span of ours.we keep trying to establish the existence of "the special feeling" or to put it differently.."i've finally hit the chord with this one"!!but then..what happens?what goes wrong?there strikes a realization that this was not how it was supposed to be..or this one is not "the one"..or oh!what have i got myself into??!

and then it's back to the sinking feeling of being all on one's own..all in my world is me and only me!but trust me..it's not even half as dismal as you would think it sounds like.it's brilliant..why??how??well,simple.instead of trying,all your life,to find that compatibility or that sense of belonging..in vain,just belong to yourself..!!instead of using your head to think of very dumb stuff like what you could have done or how it might have been..just make yourself believe that it's over.because it could not have been any better.instead or being overly pretentious,to an extent that you seem to be losing a grip on yourself,just be yourself.you have to be loved for what you are..not what you could pretend to be!!and goodness..!i've seen people who are so different with everyone.i seriously pity their insecurity.at times they forget that being so pretentious might even earn them equally pretentious friends.now..am sure no one would want THAT!or if it seems that you would'nt want to move forward..for the fear of being apart..then,you definitely need to call 911!!it's an emergency.need a sense of belonging..belong to yourself.because you know you'll always be there for you and you would'nt have to pretend with yourself.

i agree it's not good to preach that i don't need anyone.because i know i do..everyone does.but you definitely don't need anyone to teach you to breathe or cry or feel.don't we all do this on our own?so all that's in my head is that i don't have to lose myself to gain someone or something.nothing,absolutely, is worth that.so,a few hasty decisions which i almost made..would have been disastrous..had they been put to action!!and why did i do that?i did it thinking that it's all about making others happy.well..this concept works only with parents..only with them.it's justified if your dad and mum beam when they accept a certain decision of yours.but for anyone else..

this is not about being lonely or not coming out of one's shell.it's just that you'd rather place yourself first before thinking about any individual in the world.and if this sounds self centered then it's not meant to be.because you get so tired trying to please everyone or forget yourself in the never ending process of making others appreciate you.and eventually..as i've seen..the so called appreciation comes when you are least expecting it.let things take their own shape instead of you trying hard to shape them to fit your bill.so..fine!!let things be the way they are.and all you got to do is LIVE!!itz something you think you've been doing all along but really haven't!!


i wanna heal..i wanna feel..
like iam close to something real..
i wanna find something i've wanted all along..
somewhere i belong...

I..Me..Myself..

iam kadambari..kadambari iyer..(now,don't say that it sounds like Bond!)and people around me call me everything except that!i am kaddu(mind you..i dont look like one..!!)kadz,kad,cadbury..and these tags have surpassed the identity of my real name to an extent that i am not known as kadambari to quite a few here..big deal..what's in a name??!as long as iam known to them as atleast something..it's fine with me..

well..let me give you one major reason why i am known to quite a lot of people.."gift of gab".and personally,i don't wish to elucidate on this because everyone already knows..!to put it short,i love talking(well..i can keep mum too..that's only when i am alone..& i assure,i don't talk to myself..!)and i am told that i act like a 12 yr old..an 80 yr old..at times..anyways that's for you to decide..i don't know!

music is my first love(rahul dravid,i am sorry,you always managed a second place)happy,gloomy,bored,ecstasic,angry..whatever be my state of mind,there'll be some music on & i'd just drift away to some place(i'd end up daydreaming..!!)i am a nature lover and am so awe inspired by it's beauty & power.birds,flowers,the night sky,rains,the beach,..i forget myself looking at them.

shopping is one major hobby(my dad has given up trying...now)clothes..shoes..hey,that's all!!i don't shop for anything else!(poor me..!)i love reading(not text books..!)& i believe that books make a person.open mindedness is something only books can give.and i am not going to name what all books i've read!i already have an account of all those i've read since i was a kid..!!

my favorite color is blue!!(well..i don't use a blue tooth brush or a blue bucket..but i do have blue bedcovers & blue curtains.!)and jeans..that's like second skin to me(i wouldn't mind getting married in a pair of jeans..easy work..lite re!!)ya..i use "re" a lot,so much that people around me have got it!uh..oh..i forgot to mention sweets.life'd be so bitter without them!chocolates,sweets,kheer,icecreams,cake,sakkara pongal..in fact everything with sugar in it..

iam hardly choosy about things.everything 'chalta hai' with me.i don't fuss over clothes,food..guess i am quite content with whatever is there & believe in living life to its fullest.well..one problem..i hate lizards..they're the dirtiest,slimiest,yuckiest creatures on this planet!i..so..don't like them.

i am not quite a tv buff & i've developed a new interest these days..the W.W.W. thanks to orkut & gtalk,i am so stuck to a computer that i could end up having yet another tag..soon.."compbari" ok..that was not a very good one..!i love making friends(i have a problem remembering names though..)i love travelling by trains,food,vacations,sleeping,day dreaming,chennai,...& obviously talking..!!

the song by ronan keating is one of my favorites..
life's a roller coaster..jus gotta ride it...!

mamma..!!!

ma..
in your eyes...i see love..
by your words..i am motivated..
you mean the world to me..
wish..i could bring the world down to your feet...


my mum..the sweetest person in my world of people.she has always been more of a friend than a mother.we have shared all our joys and problems.ever since i was a kid,i have known her to be so full of life..so much that she could paint the town in all colors.an awesome cook..shez the envy of quite a few friends of mine.
just one look at me..and she'd say what am about to say..
she'd know what is wrong with me..
she'd tell what am thinking..

i used to be so shocked..as to how she'd just read my face.because of the same reason..i could never think of giving her a surprise..i would go to her and say,"mamma,guess what happened today??".she'd just say it..!!and she'd burst out laughing..!i could never understand how she managed to do that...then later i realized..guess..that's how mothers are..they know us so well..inside out...

be it my grades or my crushes..i've told her all.she'd say,"it is better if i know from you than coming to know from a third person".both of us have a lot of things in common..shopping!for instance..(poor appa..though!)on a holiday,both of us(my sister'd prefer playing to roaming in the sun..!!)would go around window shopping..well shopping too!!we'd start from home with all promises of not buying "yet another dress"..but,of course,the promise is forgotten as we cross the threshold!!and we would be talking,laughing..and buying...

am in a hostel now.and when i get back home during holidays,god..!!i don't stop talking.i'd always have so much to tell her..it's the same vice versa too.we could go on endless..about anything and everything in the world..!

she has taught me so much..i used to have this exam phobia ever since i was in kindergarten(though..i dint even know what an exam meant..that time..!)and she kept talking me out of that..giving me so much confidence..that..a few years later,that fear just vanished.she has always encouraged positive thinking.and i know how much i have transformed over the past few years..trying to inculcate every thing she wanted me to..whatever i am today..is all because of her silent efforts.

ma..i owe you whatever i am today..you are the main motivating force in my life..you are simply amazing..
love you..ma..


GOD can't take care of everything..that's why he made mothers..

why??


do i know him??have i seen him before??have we met??do we share something similar???...
then...why does he stand out in a crowd??why does his presence makes me feel protected??why do i see him when he is not there??why do i think of him when i dont know him??why does his smile give a meaning to my life??why do his sorrows make me cry??why do his thoughts occupy my mind??why does every face i see,seem to bear a resemblance of his??why do my eyes search for him in a crowd??why does every song relate to him??why do rains remind me of him??why does he come in my dreams??why do i see him when i gaze at the moon??why do his eyes seem to be lookin at me??why does calling out his name gives me solace??why does my heart melt when i hear him speak??why do i yearn to be with him??why do i lose myself thinking about him??why do i smile to myself??why does his existence decide mine??

why???...

why does'nt time stop???


12th standard..board exams..the period which is dreaded by almost every teenager..a milestone which signifies the end of the very happy & fun filled schooling..and the entrance into professional studies..which supposedly decide what you will be a couple of years later..an engineering degree in my case.
there used to be so much contemplation and discussion regarding what course to choose..what college to join..rather..what to do!!finally,the month of march arrived with all it's beautiful blossoms..bringing with it "the exams" which apparently shape my destiny!!the month came and went..& to my surprise..i was not even half as wound up as i thought i need to be..my exams went fine & i got into BITS,Pilani...
now,this is what i call a true spot in the middle of nowhere!!you can't reach pilani without a throbbing headache..why??thanks to the bumpy roads & the not so comfy buses..anyways i landed here..a look around the campus revealed the clock tower,lush roadsides(stark contrast to the scenery outside),ancient buildings,pigeon hole sized hostel rooms & the very beautiful saraswati temple..think of being all on your own!!i was so excited!!i checked into my room..i thanked god..rather birlaji,the girls' hostels were better..i was to share my room with another girl..who finally turned up after two full days..after her parents left.
soon,the inroduction sessions began as i tried to make as many new friends as possible..of course the classes began the very next day..we started having those late nite sessions talking about every possible thing under the sun..laughing over anything..getting famialiarized with the bitsian slangs..!!later..there were these tales...the scores,the new clothes,the eat outs,the innumerable crushes,the birthdays,the movies,the books,the gossips,the classes...
everyone seemed to be trying to absorb everything..i made lots of friends in the first few months..thanx to the gift of gab!!well, the academics part of this place..i dont want to mention!!very rigid & taxing..but yeah,i never actually took it serious enough to affect me adversely!!so...lite!!chill!!


there was a point of time when i wanted to run away from this haven..could have given anything to be back at home..but in this span of two years..i've learnt so much..had so much fun..this place has given me beyond whatever i could ask for..taught me to live..
it's terrifying to think of being thrown into a world which is so full of deceit,hatred,envy,gloom...at the end of my life in this place..which has been so comforting,so giving...

i dont want to go..please..
oh seconds..stop ticking..
hours..stop passing...
years..stop flying...please...

here i am...

at last!!i've been trying to create an account and post something since donkey's years..but as would always happen..the server..BITS neuron..is so damn slow..that i was very sure of ageing another couple of years until i could finally make it to this spot..
whatever!!since am here..finally..thanks to some bird blessings which i got earlier today(they say you are now destined to crack all your tests!!)let me tell you about a book i just finished reading..title "the chosen"..with great difficulty!!this book is about a girl who is trying to find herself..hmmm..and she keeps trying to find the reasons of her existence..well!i could offer her one..she was born just for the sake of ruining my weekend and instilling such pangs of sadness and distress in me that i began staring into space thinking about my existence!!the girl is so confused and bound..by i could'nt understand what!!that she can't take anything in life..god gave me strength and i managed to reach the end half expecting it to be some bollywood masala kinda twist..but alas!!to my shock..she reaches home one evening from work and the story is over!!nothing happened...damn!!i cursed..she never "found" herself!!what insanity!!..actually you can't even call it an open ended story 'coz..you can't make out what would happen to her!!
WAIT!!i think you can..she'll go home..have dinner..watch TV..sleep..wake up in the morning..go to work..come back..eat and sleep...
hey!!amazing..watch out for my upcoming book..folks..am plannin to write one..and ya..the title.."please..do not choose me" !!!

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